7 posts from 2008

I just got outta jail yesterday. See, a couple weeks after I found out about Ron's betrayal, I ran into the bastard at the Rusty Nail, the local dive. I was sitting at the bar having a Coors Light when in walks Ron. He sits right down next to me, nods to the bartender and says "I'll have what he's having," nodding at me with this thumb. The smug dirtbag takes a big long pull from his bottle, exhales and turns to stare at me. "Can I getcha one, buddy?" with that impossibly smug look on his face. You better believe I slapped it right off with a well-placed half empty Coors bottle. Blood and lukewarm beer splashed across the bar. Teeth and glass littered the floor. The cops pulled me out the door in cuffs, but I was happier than I'd been in months.

I go back for my court date in a week or so, so I guess I'll let you guys know how it goes then. Damn, when I think of Ron and Vince just living it up on my jerky recipe, I can't take it. I hope I beat this, guys. Pray for me. This is totally unrelated by I thought I'd pass on the information: Phentremine Direct is this great new diet pill that actually works. Check it out. Okay, gotta take off. Gonna go find someone to help me beat this rap.

The real Ron finally showed up. People warned me and warned me, and deep down I kinda doubted my commitment to this admittedly shady but capable character. I pressed on, though, cause business was going well and things seemed to be improving. Ron's a charmer, that's for sure. A conman, yeah, but in the end he's a great salesman. He'll have you reaching for your wallet before you even know it! Anyway, that's all done. It turned out that Ron had been selling our secrets to a rival jerky maker. I was on the laptop that we both share, reading a hilarious Giant List of Record Label Diets, when I noticed that Ron had left his gmail account wide open. I didn't think anything of it but it was right there, in big letters, in his inbox. It was from this guy, Vince Schafer, a guy that lives in our town and actually also went to school with us. Vince is running a bison jerky outfit, and we're pretty much rivals in our field. I opened up the email and it turns out that Ron has been selling our jerky secrets. The damage is done, and I'm not sure how I'm gonna repair the business. Or, repair my heart. That really hurt. I had put so much time and effort into Ron, and I really trusted the guy. I defended him against all his naysayers, and now look at me! Ugh. I need to find people to help me get things going again. I need to recover somehow. If I can't find someone else fast, I'm not sure what to do.

Ron has really been coming through for me and the jerky business. Well, it's not quite a business yet. We're still trying to perfect the recipe and methodology. We got all the kitchen stuff we need, thanks to -- you guessed it -- Mr. Ron Freaking Montoya. The guy is good... I'll give him that much. He's resourceful, and he always comes through in the clutch. He's like Michael Jordan in the waning moments of Game 7. Calm, cool-headed, and collected. Anyway, we got the kitchen supplies cause Ron was able to use a background check service online to find this guy who sold kitchen supplies. Seems they don't just run background checks; they also help you dig up address and phone numbers. Aren't people searches just the best thing? Man. Other than that, I've just been trying to keep busy and keep entertained until we nail down the business plan. For example, I just found this hilarious Giant List of Hillary Clinton Facts. Kinda like the Chuck Norris facts that were going around the net like crazy a bit earlier. Funny stuff.

It turns out that the guy is definitely THE Ron Montoya. I don't know why I was doubting him so much..I mean, there really only one Ron Montoya out there, and if you've met him once, you'll always remember him. So I guess I was just being weird and super paranoid or whatever. Anyway, the turkey jerky business is being put together. I'm coming up with various recipes --stuff like teriyaki, cajun, asian, ultra-spicy...flavors like that. I'm trying to decide if I should keep the texture of the jerky the same as it was when I first made it after Thanksgiving. Ron thinks I should make it super moist, but I think that's getting away from the spirit of true jerky. After all, the stuff I made struck a fine balance between dry and moist. It had the perfect tenderness. Maybe I'll just make two different kinds in case some people like it moist and super tender. Whatever we decide, we're gonna need a bigger kitchen to make all this stuff. Ron's been hitting up people search sites looking for this old friend of his that sells kitchen supplies. Maybe he can help. If people search can't find this guy, I don't know what will. I gotta admit: I'm getting a little stressed out about all this. I've tried to keep my mind off of the opening, reading stuff like To the Time Change, but it's not really helping. Maybe I should buy vitamins online or something. I think my health is suffering.

I've been running tons of people searches on my old buddy Ron I told you guys about last post. I compared him to Mike Damone from "Fast Times At Ridgemont High," and he is definitely that sneaky, slimy type. But at the same time, you kinda trust the guy. Needless to say, I was intrigued by him but I got a weird feeling. Or, at least I just wanted to make sure he was who he said he was. Not that I didn't think this was Ron. This was definitely Ron Montoya. It's just that I want to be able to trust the guy, especially if we go into the jerky business together. Don't wanna go into the jerky business with a jerk! Ha! Strangely enough, in my searches, I was able to find someone by the same name, living in the same city. It's hard to believe that there's another Ron Montoya out there, so I'm gonna pursue this further and let you know what I find out. I did, in the course of my quest, find a great peoplesearch engine. I also found a really funny Giant List: Sacred Luxuries.

Hey guys. Remember how I said I was finding old friends left and right last time? Well, I found my old buddy Ron Montoya using the great info at Find a Person. Ron was always a hustler back in high school. He'd always have money in his wallet, a chick on his arm, and wax in his mustache. A total guy who could get you tickets to a Laker's playoff game if your money was right. Ever seen "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"? Ron was kinda like Mike Damone except even MORE confident. It turns out that Ron is still hustling. We met up for some beers the other night, and the first thing he asked is "Dude, what's with the jerky?" See, I was still munching on the stuff. So Ron tries some and falls out of his chair. Loves it. We get a little drunk and Ron starts talking business. Says we could definitely make loads of cash with his charm and my jerky know-how. I'm a bit drunk so it sounds good to me. Anyway, we're meeting up again tonight. I'll see how this sounds sober. This'll be a good story either way, ya know? Just goes to show you that to find someone from your past can be very lucrative. Or if that doesn't work, you might look into finding a person to coach your life.   

You guys aren't gonna believe this, but I'm still munching on turkey jerky. You know that food that never seems like it's gonna run out, like Nerds? It seems like you can always get a few more crunchy, tangy delicious morsels from those deceptively cavernous boxes. That's how I feel about this turkey jerky. And the awesome things is I'm not getting tired of it at all! It's just the perfect food for what i've been working on as of late, and that's people searching. It seems like every day I find someone from my past, or I find someone from my future, if that makes sense. Just I've been making tons of friends just from people searches, new friends, people I've never met before. So that's a nice bonus when it comes to finding people that I've lost touch with. Oh, and I've also been messing around with this new search engine idea. Read all about Mahalo Social.

Happy New Year!